Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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