dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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