If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
