My sheets look like a crime scene.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
