WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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