You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
