Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
