so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
