I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
