Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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