Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
