I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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