My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
