What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
