Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
