Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
