It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
