I just pynch a tree in the face
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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