I faked an abortion last night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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