why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
