We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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