sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
