is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
