we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
