gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
