Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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