Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
