I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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