I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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