You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
