He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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