Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
