8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
