I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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