So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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