You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
