Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
