I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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