umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
