Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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