I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
