I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
...so i touched it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
