just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
