ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
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