Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
