my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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