I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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