Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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