i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
