get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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