I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
